It never fails to happen. We get along fine - joking, laughing, sharing, traveling, dining, etc.. all the things that you do when you dont see a loved one often.

But IT is there. That IT, in the back of my mind that reminds me its GOING to happen and darn it, im surprised EVERYtime! 

I KNEW this trip home would include Me taking the reins for planning and follow thru. I love that part and instead of learning from the past experiences (that's plural!), I just go ahead and do it.

Now, we are on Day 3 and the attitude is coming out. The baby was fussy, being in an unfamiliar carseat for the 5th time in 3 days. Fine, I get it. Naptime is due, hes not feeling the best, etc... baby's are gonna cry. So. Instead of continuing on to our destination (1.5hrs away), we turned around and went back 30 mins because originally' Today was supoz to be a Chill Day and now we have all these plans. And there was no thots about the drive times involved. And just... etc'

So... back to the house. Spent a couple hrs at the local park playing and walking back, now down for that nap. 

It's not even about the baby. It's not about the unrefundable hotel room. It's not even the lack of planning on their part, yet expecting the plans to work out. My conclusion today, is that everything Here simply isnt good enough.

The dogs hair is all over (she lived with these dogs for years). The carseat isnt what the baby is used to (pretty sure it will adjust EXACTLY how it needs to, but that's not on a radar). She didnt think about the distance to everywhere else from my house (20 mins to nearest bigger city, 1.5hrs to hometown). The dogs can be heard moving around, through the ceiling of their basement suite. The word 'bougie' was tossed around today and it kinda fits here.

Shes grateful for the space to stay, the meals covered, maybe even the stress of driving not to be a factor... but it doesn't come out as much more than complaints for the different everyday than she's used to.

And this is absolutely a ME problem. I am well aware that This attitude, these comments will occur. Which is also why when she assumed I had slipped away quickly upon arrival home it was for space to decompress (when actually I just had to pee) - that I told.her I wasnt mad at her. Which is true. This isnt MY vacation. I apparrently am simply present , and if I pay for the Things its a nice bonus. But, I dont NEED to do everything with them. I dont NEED to constantly be around and experience the wonder/annoyance the baby has. Thats just not how I am. While that is definitely a topic for another day... this issue here is a non-issue, in that why should I get upset when the changes dont really affect me? Inconvenience is a thing, sure. However, I am not above understanding that changed lifestyles, coupled with illness & pregnancy and just plain old comfort are real things to take into account when dealing with a toddler. The flip side of that -- i have a strong 'its not My kid' attitude and disassociate. 

I would love to be a better grandma. To care so much that the kid is crying his little lungs out because hes so tired and unwell... when waiting it out and letting him cry it out are my go to moves.

And we have about 4 more days together! Yay ❤️

One More Chapter

I sold my car today. The car I only got because He traded his favorite car in for it. It was a sweet story. Not the first time we had acquired a vehicle around a special date. Valentines. Sweetest Day. Our Anniversary. He had a pretty blue camaro, nicknamed SuperCam. But my car at the time... I cant remember what was wrong with it, it was just 2 years old... but H had gotten into his head that it was my turn to get a vehicle I wanted. It was late summer, we weren't yet needing to consider the big move that came up a few months later, and H called me out of work early to go test drive an Escape (because my friend had one that was older, and i liked the look of it). Took this pretty blue escape for a ride, didn't hate it, even tho it wasnt exactly what i had in mind... and before the afternoon was over,  H was trading his camaro in for my new escape. I remember teasing him so much about regretting the choice he made. It was a running joke and H was such an amazing sport about losing his favorite thing, just to make me happy. 

And today, 18 months after he's gone, I had to say goodbye to that piece of him too. A different pretty blue camaro sits in our garage, one that I am SO undeserving of driving. Every time im asked if im going to sell it, my immediate answer is a No. Especially now, when the vehicle I want to drive holds no memories if Him, how could I even consider getting rid of something he absolutely loved, almost more than me?

I have reached the stage of grieving where the probate is over, everyone has continued their lives, growing up, graduation, new babies- all the things he would be in the middle of celebrating - ive quit my job, taken a solo vacation, bought a new car and will be having an expensive procedure done in the near future... so many changes, and im still not in the headspace to process my loss. I dont know if I'm comfortable in this space. Maybe I'm still just numb and one day soon or down the road, I will see a sign or hear our song or touch his robe that is still hanging like he will be using it tonight... and that moment is when I will finally break and shut down and process what I haven't yet. 

I understand that needs to happen. I'm not looking forward to it,  im kind of a weirdo like that... but this state of in between acceptance & denial is no picnic either.