A few months ago, I was walking along our riverfront, as H & I had done way back before we were Us. Thinking about how much I missed him, and how Life has changed so much, but not really. And a thought hit me. We (those left behind) tell ourselves and each other that our loved one is in a better place, they are looking down on us, they want us to move on/be happy/not cry for them. What if none of it is true? Why would anyone leave this space for heaven (sake of argument) and waste one second concerning themselves with what they left behind?
Sure, the lines provide comfort and peace and might even help one to grasp the Why of it all... but What If?
It has been 8 months since H left unexpectedly, and yes, I talk to him like He is near. I hold the last piece of clothing he wore tight in my hands, as if he were still wearing it in that moment. My hand still caresses his pillow as I did his chest, or arm when we were next to each other. I KNOW he wont be walking through that front door again and yet all these moments are something my brain tells me I need to survive to tomorrow.
But. Is it simply a need to grasp onto the thought, the belief that a Loved One is 'near'. That they can hear cries, see the tears maybe even reach out in the briefest of ways to touch and let us know? Everyone grieves in their own unique way, and right now - mine apparently is to consider that H isnt really 'here' anymore. The shared eye-rolling at something our crazy kid did or said. Feeling his strength thru fabric he hasnt worn in months and thinking that He would really let me have it if I had gotten rid of his favorite car - something I have no interest in driving. If all of these actions are just in my head, helping to keep my heart from fully breaking into pieces - its not a terrible thing. But, if I go down the road that considers I truly am completely on my own now - nothing shared, no warmth in the sweatshirt, only a pillow sitting there - would I be better off, possibly even heal or at least accept & move forward a bit quicker? And if that might be the case... Why would i want to get over "this" faster than most? Is the pain and despair felt when thinking about the loss a right of passage? A necessary evil that is unavoidable? Just one more game to play, only there are no winners?
I want to be the person who can eventually move on - maybe find love again, mend relationships this tragedy didnt help along, be able to look at a cartoon symbol and not feel my heart constrict involuntarily. And I want to spend my days just listening to his voice. Feeling his touch, Sharing what we dreamed of together, binge watching a dumb show and having ice cream for dinner.
All of the grief gurus say "it hurts because its love". The pain is left-behind Love. All of this nonsense is normal and not an original train of thought. Im not the first to feel any of this, I wont be the last. And no one else can tell me how to deal with it - because its Mine.
So, I will walk along our Riverbank and think of H and everything he wont get to do and maybe even accept that H isnt walking next to me or listening to me ramble or seeing my tears, because he really is in a better place... and really has left our world together, behind.
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