My co-worker asked me the other day if I had seen a counselor/therapist. This was solely out of kindness, not serious concern or unsolicited suggestion. I have not sought any professional help to this point. I have received a few books from friends and family about how to deal with grief, some journals geared toward provoking thoughts down a specific path to work through things not-so-all at once. I mentioned before, how there are numerous notebooks and papers surrounding me, waiting for the moment (s) when I'm ready to get out of my own head.
I shared with an old friend, someone who wasnt able to be near in person when H passed away, the details of what possibly lead up to and how it happened. Family who have been near in person talk about missing H and encourage me to be part of the conversation. Facebook Reels are a rabbit hole I find myself falling down constantly - where other people who have lost a loved one share their experiences or simply the poems and statements posted about missing a part of myself/how life has changed/there is no perfect way to grieve.
Last weekend I spent some time in a place where WE lived life for a few years, but had moved away from. Some buildings have changed, new roads built, same traffic and non-sense... but there were moments, spaces, where memories popped up. I found myself smiling at a display I know H would have commented about. I walked along the same shoreline H would grudgingly walk with me in the Before... and I could feel him there with me. My eyes would roll at the absurdness of how our daughter had acted in that moment, and just knew H was on my side in the thought.
I appreciate the skill and knowledge and comfort that therapists can provide. Personally, I have kind of always been the go-to person in my friend group for venting/advise seeking/sound-boarding - and am honored to have been in that role for so many. Talking to a professional isnt a priority for me. There are days (so many days) where I just go through the motions, and there are days when this all just doesnt seem real - its a dream to wake from and I just have to get to morning.
It is so very possible that I am going about this process the wrong way. There are a million (not kidding, like literally ONE MILLION) ways a person can deal with loss. Experts and novices will say there is no wrong way, you cant mess up how you process, to each their own etc.
The only thing I do know - is that I can babble on paper, the internet, out loud and in my head for a very long time... and not care where it takes me. Sometimes there is relief, most moments (like now) there is a release of tears and once n a while... a small sense of peace is granted.
Its a messy process, but its mine and its working - or at least, its keeping me going.
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