I believe in God. I am a born-again believer, life-long member of the church I grew up in & truly believe that H held the same, if slightly gray-ish area convictions (two different religious practices, same God & teachings).
I tell myself I'm not angry at God. I dont blame Him for taking H waayy before I was ready and in some moments, Im just a little thankful for how swift everything happened.
However, as the hours, days, weeks, months have passed... I have noticed how little I talk to God anymore. In the BEFORE - I would pray most nights and honestly, I couldnt say when the last time was that I finished a prayer before falling asleep. My sleep-inducing chats with God were always positive, thankful, grateful - because He has given me, us so much grace and an amazing life together. There would be the occasional hope for a friend's trouble to be eased or a family member to make the right decision, but overall I was simply praising God for his goodness and only half-jokingly wondering why our life was so blessed.
Now, in the AFTER - I silently say grace before some meals. Nighttime/Bedtime rituals are down to the basics of getting ready for bed and hoping to shut the tv off before im OUT for the night. Evening prayers are a rarity, but when I do talk with God - its more of the same as BEFORE. Thankful for the love and support of friends and family & beautiful artwork in the sky. I dont have the energy to get mad at God. I dont blame H for leaving us all either... somewhere in my brain its an accepted concept that nothing like this is done in spite or fits of revenge. I cant change what happened, no amount of thinking about the Whys will lessen the pain. Some moments I truely dont even believe H could be watching over me, rather that he's in Heaven (which I do believe) fishing with my Grandparents like he didnt get to do down here and hanging with his childhood best friend like time never passed and doing ALL the Best Things - and not giving one moment's concern to anything happening down here.
Maybe this is another "path" thru grief, that I just havent stumbled on from the Facebook/TikToc gurus just yet. Right now, I can fully appreciate everything that God does for me, everything He protects me from and the incredible GOOD He still gives. But... I am also in a place where I dont think about NEEDING to talk to Him. I dont feel the guilt and shame associated with not having the same or better relationship that I had with Him in the BEFORE. A part of me knows that should be fore-front in the fix-it department, but my broken heart is in too many pieces for it to be a priority. And maybe the stress of this line of thought (if one were prone to such stress/anxiety) will actually get me to my own Heavenly reward (another absolute because of my faith - I kno, so many sides!) that much quicker and find out for myself what REALLY happens.
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