Since high school, my friend & I have gone on walks around wherever we happened to be, and we would solve our worldly problems together. Boys, friendship issues, school decisions, family dynamics... and as the years passed: moving away, career options, getting married and having kids were added into the mix. We could (and still do) walk for miles together. The conversations can trade off between our respective subjects on an even level and sometimes an issue requires more concern and That's where we concentrate our energies for the other person.
We happily refer to this time together as "Date Day", which our families and other close friends understand and respect as Our version of therapy.
Yesterday was such a Date Day. We walked from an out of the way parking spot, to a local festival, then through some neighborhoods and along the calming scenic pathways that make up the area where she now lives. Almost 7 miles in 4.5 hours (not our best timing), and we covered aLOT.
Our friendship has remained strong through both of our dating - leading to marriage chapters of life. My H did not approve of many of my friendships (not so much because of who they were... he just wasnt a fan of people in general) - but This friend made the cut <3
So... we are walking and chatting and catching up and admiring art & architecture & maybe judging a few peoples' life choices for them... and we get around to trading in-laws experiences, which led to the subject of our own parents. These topics can be heavy, and this time was no different. As she answers my inquiry into her current family concerns, sharing feelings and worries and self-awareness sightings - she tries to stop that conversation short. Understand that our time together is consistently a give & take - I share how my daughter created a dramatic situation and she tells me about how hers is doing in college, etc. As she tries to close the book on her current relationship with her mother... Friend acknowledges that MY year has been so much worse than anything she's been dealing with. Earlier she had asked how I was handling this month so far - because we would have celebrated 23 years together in September. By the time we got to mile 5 and her struggle with being a parent... she just throws it out there how small her issues are in relation to my current state. Which is complete BS, because that's what we do as friends. But in that moment (it was one of about 3 that made me tear up yesterday), I GOT what she was trying to say. I lost everything. Not physically (exactly - i am still living in my home, driving my car, going to my job), but H WAS my everything. And there is no comparison when it comes to an issue with Mom versus never holding my husband's hand again. The 'unexpected side effect" i experienced here was the loss of the freedom to share with each other on the same level without fear of being overburdensome to the other. My 'major' event should not have overshadowed her life events and challenges and celebrations. We did talk about both of our lives, there was laughter & unsolicited advice as usual, and our friendship is stronger for it. Sometimes, it just hits different when it is realized that this grief journey is a shared road where people take different paths to travel it.
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