it occurred to me today that I havent gotten angry yet. How critical to the healing/surviving process is reaching all 5 stages, really?
Our relationship has always been quite tame, as far as arguments and disagreements and hurt. Far different than the couples we know around us. Other couples scream at each other, throw things, silent treatment the other until one gives in and handles the make up/repair in their own way.
H & I... i can list the number of 'fights' we had on one hand in the 25 years we were together. No yelling ever. Ive never lost a dish or treasured knik knak to a disagreement. a couple of solo drives between us for thinking, but never a nights end sleeping separately or even in anger. This is a point of pride for us, something those other couples envied we could do - but it was simply how We Worked.
And right now, I cant figure out WHY i would get angry. Every glance at his picture breaks my heart in the knowing he is gone. Every memory of That Night replays and there is still nothing I could have done different to change things. Tho I dont talk to God so much these days, I dont place any blame with Him either. Because that is what anger is... blame and guilt and hopelessness. I feel deep sorrow. I feel happiness. I am tired. I get nostalgic and weepy. Maybe this is the broken part of myself. Where I am on the cusp of understanding my loss but have yet to fully accept what it means. Yet, Im not mad at H for leaving. Im not upset at his lack of medical-seeking advice ('i told you so' isnt pretty). I cant fault the EMTs or doctors or even myself, because One - it wont change anything. and Two - everything happened just as it was meant to happen. How do you get mad at fate (for lack of a better word)?
Maybe the Anger Stage will be something I struggle through or at least get into, sometime in the future. Maybe I will never reach that Stage in my journey. All I know right now is that I am managing the best I know how, the best I can and hope its everything H would expect of me. No loud voice. All trinkets kept intact. Maybe the occasional solo road trip. A lot of tear-stains on the pillow, but out of love not anger.
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