Independence

Many were surprised at my decision to get away alone (-ish, I took His favorite dog with me) for our anniversary weekend. The quaint cottage was a short walk to the shoreline and 2 hours from anyone we knew. I watched our wedding videos. I made a traditional dinner we used to have. and I sat in our favorite restaurant for anniversary dinner. H was there with me at the beach. He was there when I stopped at the park where we got married. and He was there in every corner of every place I looked.

This past weekend was "Sweetest Day". Another Hallmark Holiday sure, but still something else he's not here for. My weekend began with a final meeting with the probate attorney. So H's estate is almost officially all mine. the day ended much the same as EVERY day has ended - binge watching something on TV, while eating a quick & easy meal, and when it gets really dark outside I move to the bedroom where that TV comes on until I cant keep my eyes open any more - which hasnt been before midnight since He left. I slept in, because its Saturday and I have no responsibilities at all. I literally watched hours of stupid drama shorts on my phone until the afternoon, when I decided to go see a movie or two that just came out. I stopped at the dollar store along my route, and the cashier complimented the sweater i was wearing. I bought a single movie ticket, large popcorn bucket & drink and choose a seat in a section where no one else was sitting. I posted to H's fb page about the stupidity of this 'Holiday' and how I hoped sitting there would bring back a little comfort from memories. Watching the movie alone, I caught myself thinking i was at home at times, content in the familiar. I remembered us holding hands in that same theater many times over the popcorn bucket, and now that I am reliving those moments... I honestly cant tell if it is strength or just a change of scenery & loneliness I was hoping to take away from going to the movies by myself. I came home, ate more convenience food for dinner and stayed awake on my phone until 4 in the morning. I was in bed, tucked in, even Netflix had given up on me... but I wasnt ready to close my eyes and make the day come to an end. I did finally make myself put the phone down and go to sleep, but a few hours later Im awake again - and its another day with nothing to do. I do the laundry. Put the clean dishes away (i actually havent done that yet, but i will). Decide if there's enough on a list to make a grocery run worth my time (not yet). Almost met for a marketplace find, 45 minutes away AND made a plan to catch the other movie i wanted to see, plus do some mall shopping at the same time... but its rainy today - blustery & wet - and that meet didnt happen. So instead, I took a much needed shower, got fully dressed - shoes n all, and... started another load of laundry. Completed some paperwork for another found account under H's name. and Caught this blog up because thinking about all the details in the shower and not making a game plan to do anything with them isnt helping me.

My shower thots today included this: I am independent because I have no choice. As all of the grief posts say, my life is different and changed from what it was supozed to be at this point. I cant give up - the hours i spend in bed, scrolling my phone & getting lost in the tv worlds are escapes, but temporary ones. Manageable escapes that everyone understands. I am lonely and scared. Not brave or strong. I am not Independent... I am dependent. On my memories. On my feelings. On the hugs I need from friends who may or may not understand.

After 9 months - my life is still not Real to me.