Eleven Months In

I lose count every time I go to think about it.  H passed on a Friday night. The 2nd Friday of the First Month of this year. And every time I consider making a FB post referencing the time passed, I have to count the number of weeks since... then.

Now, Christmas is weeks away - like just three weeks away! This was always MY holiday, where Halloween was more H's favorite. And still, in every piece of decoration I pulled out, a memory was attached. A cute remark he made about that display. Snarky comment about the number of bins we have. Innuendo about what that door hanger I always put on our bedroom says. We used to have a real tree for every Christmas after we were married, actually I think we just continued the tradition after our first 2 Christmases dating when our roommate/landlord had a real tree put up. There were a few years where I took liberties with what a'real' tree might look like - like one year was a potted miniature spruce. a couple years our 'tree' was just a string of lights in the shape of a tree - complete with ornaments, but still... And when we lived 1000 miles from our families for a few years, I didnt want the southern culture bugs inside my house, so we found an almost perfectly fake tree. 

I made the decision to have a real tree again this year. H's closest friend helped pick one out and bring it into the house, set it up, everything he had helped H do the last time we had a real tree. This year's tree is wild. Except for the single branch sticking straight up at the top, the whole thing is about 6.5 ft tall.  Short, soft branches which either are in tight clumps together or sticking out every which way leaving a sort of bald spot to the trunk - all depending on where you are looking at it. The pine tree scent is... comforting and familiar. Having this real tree was supposed to make this holiday season a little easier to manage. Keeping same traditions alive, etc.

I am eleven months into this New Life and some days the ache is just faint enough so that I can go about my day and not worry that I might have too much time to think about how Life should be so different in this moment. Then there are days, coming more often now, where I am just sitting at home, looking around or zoning out of the program im watching and I get almost all the way to the edge...  the edge of knowing H is gone. That I cant hear his footsteps at the front door. That he's not just in the next room playing on his phone just until he falls asleep.  That I cant simply walk around the corner, put my arms around hiim and hear his heartbeat. 

I get angry. Not really angry... its more of a strong disbelief or misunderstanding of how the grief gurus, as Im labeling them, make this 'journey' sound so normal. Reading the FB posts and pages and links dedicated to and by people who have lost loved ones, the words are all the same. The sentiments are all the same. Some rhyme better or flow better than others, but they are all saying the exact same things. Our person is missed. Our person is proud of us. The signs we see (or think we see) are their way of showing us they are in our presence and watching over. And these words are all true. My mind and spirit feel, say & hear those exact same things. But. Just eleven months in. All of those kindred phrases, every 'wish you were here', each 'butterfly' wing or cardinal sighting meaning they are there... none of it helps ease the loss. 

I dont write in this page too often, because nothing I have to say is new. It's all about MY journey and feelings, but its those feelings and daily experiences with missing H which  make me cry hot tears while trying to type something profound for no one else to read. This page is supposed to help with healing and whatever 'moving on' should be starting to look like.

Four weeks from now, H will be gone for an entire year. And every day still hits like its Day One. So... I will enjoy my real tree. I will hold onto those sweet moments of Christmas past. I willl not allow myself to sit in the dark too often, just to wonder all the What Ifs. Four weeks from now is a new year. And its time to keep looking forward and let the past moments be what they always are - moments to remember in certain ways - ways which strenghthen and support, not hold me back to settle.