Everyone/everypost says that the Holidays are the toughest after a loss. I recognize that. I believe it. I have experienced it. and yet... my mind still isnt quite THERE about that fact.
I have had a lot of triggers lately. Found some gift cards H gave me from Christmas' past. Personally and gifted to with ornaments in memory of. a song playing in the background of my tv show. spending time with my IN-Law family, gifting Them memory of items I put together. Even New Year's had a memory attached to it. It wasnt our last kiss, which is a small blessing in itself - because Im not sure we had a NYE kiss last year. But... 10 days later, he said his last words to me... so now that NYE is forever our last one together.
I have spent this whole year (2025) just going along. Visiting our daughter & grandson and SonInLaw every couple of months - which is extreme because they live 1000 miles away. Going to work at a job where EVERYDAY I think about Not being there. sporadically writing in my journals or this blog because a thought-line just gets stuck and i need something in this universe to 'hear' it. i dont set goals or resolutions, telling myself that I cant think so far ahead. Certain tasks need to be finished or completed before anything too big can be planned. Probate is still not finalized. I am making payments on my final resting place, but have not yet created a will or set up for the funeral to be taken care of. His sports car sits in the garage, right now because its snowy and freezing, but i've driven it maybe 6 times this whole year. Home maintenance issues all have their very own "guy" to take care of them - furnace, water, pest control - even the snow removal is well-handled by the neighbor behind us.
I have been surviving, but not fully living this year. And, sure, that's another "expectation" for my situation... but just because something is expected doesnt mean you are ready for it or even have to accept it. Maybe that's where I am... in the stages of grief, acceptance is the last phase. and again, the wise-all-knowing-internet tells me that the stages are fluid - some go thru all in order, some skip around, some do them all over and over again. I sit here and am concerned that I've skipped all of the steps. Maybe because of my grounded faith in God (tho shaky in the relationship part as of late), my 2025 started and ended with the acceptance of H's passing. I've never gotten angry - not at H, not at God, not at myself, however, the agents of policies and processes that I had to work with may have felt some of my frustration. My self-preservation hasnt allowed me to entertain the idea of depression. Ive never felt the desire or need to die because He did. I cant sit still under regular circumstances, so the thot of starring into space or sitting in the dark just thinking isnt something I do. Bargaining... ive searched for deals on travel and gifts, but not once asked to change places... sidenote... from the get-go, I am grateful that he went first, because all THIS that i've had to do - I can not imagine how H would have handled it. My high opinion of myself is possibly an issue in itself... too good to consider suicide. too smart to not do everything i've had to do, decide all ive had to decide. and most of all too loved not to keep moving forward, but still allow myself a few tears to fall every now and then.
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