Coping. All the grief posts talk about 'being a survivor' and how the million different feelings and thoughts each individual goes thru is normal. Friends and Family greet with 'how are you doing' or 'how is it going'... and my only answer is 'ok'. Because im not Fine. Im not Good. And im not going to say im Sad or Lost or Angry, because none of those responses are helpful in moving past an initial Hello.
I look at his picture on my phone often. He is giving me his 'humoring you because im having a good time' smile, and that was one of the last pictures I have of H. I stroke his face, imagining the feel if that scruff. Remembering how warm his cheek felt. See that twinkle in his eyes, and can almost hear his voice from the night of that picture. The twinge doesn't happen every single time. If I look long enough, sometimes ill have to let the phone go dark, to save myself from tearing up or worse- shutting completely down in memories... which, if I'm honest hasn't happened yet, but as EVERYbody says, would be completely normal and within my rights as a widow.
Another coping mechanism I think I may have developed is a kind of Safe Relationship. I am part if a social circle, who meets every week and the group leader and I (among others) have become close, mostly because we've been doing this for the better part of 15yrs. The typical setting is public where alcohol is consumed. This Group Leader has always been the world's biggest flirt, with most of the females in the group. It is well known that he is overly friendly but he is also our fiercest protector, sober or tipsy, no exceptions. Said Group Leader has been extremely flirty with me lately. In texts (precursors to my getting home safely or confirming a plan) and in person, he has been a bit handsy. Last week, he made obvious attempts at grabbing, touching my chest in play. I pushed his hand away and gave him stern looks, i dont let him get away with a lot.
But the concern has occurred to me: it may be Fun, but is it safe? Safe - like, how does his wife feel about our flirty texts and his grab-butt moves at the group event? Am I allowing these actions only because I miss being held by someone who loves me? I don't want to - I CANT - cross the line between what i need to feel normal again and pushing the limits of physical and emotional closeness, just because of a willing, enabling person.
Today was another good example of how I am Coping. I meant to post to H's wall, something about what the 63rd week after he left means - similar to anniversarys or other milestones. I try to share a little bit of joy, sometimes just a sad truth about how im doing, what im thinking, how things really Are going... because in my mind, if friends and family read it then they don't need to worry about reaching out (which hardly anyone does now) or worse, asking me the same dumb, obvious and still kind question.
So, to save everyone the trouble, I was going to post about how I spent Today - being 63 weeks into missing him - spending his money to pamper myself. I would have posted, how I was able to get two packages into the mail to his daughter & grandson - and how the contents would be a surprise to Him as well (and per ususal). Next, how the massage made me think of the last time he gave me a massage. How sweet he was that night, caring- loving- and how he made me feel. Then a haircut. I am growing my hair out, but it takes forever to get long - which was H's preference. So, with every snip all I could think was H liked it better when my hair was long. And finally, I had to decide how to get my nails painted. I have been doing subtle tributes to H when I get my nails done. Today, I considered a Batman theme... until almost all of the pinterest ideas started with full on black , which isn't very spring-like, not to mention a bit goth for someone who is supoz to represent her work office in public.
And now... its almost midnight AGAIN and I'm playing on my phone, watching a show, being a fur-baby pillow... because im not ready to go to sleep, and dream all the dreams if late, without any of them including H.
Maybe I am going about some of this process in unconventional ways. But i am still a fully functioning adult- I go to my job, I make & eat dinner, I laugh at appropriate things, my bills are paid and I allow myself to cry and FEEL at almost anytime I need to.
I shouldn't have to Cope. If H didn't leave 14 months ago, so much would be different right now. God's plan is still a mystery and tho I am grateful for each and every blessing and trial He has given me... knowing that HE knows All doesn't make any of it suck less.
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